Ways to minimize harm and maximize harmony apply to the workplace, schools, and in the community as they do with couples and families.
Some things that trigger negative reactions and conflict include strict adherence to roles and violations of them, taking things personally, assumptions, unspoken agendas, poor communication and feelings of shame, fear of righteousness. Why do we avoid facing conflict?
Often, our reactions reflect comfortable patterns stemming from those we learned from our families. Sometimes they reflect fears of taking responsibility, being hurt, wronged, or shamed. These reactions may lead to further reactivity that distances us from conflict before resolving or managing it.
In business, examples include firing staff before developing performance plans or providing monitoring, not making time for ‘difficult’ customers, putting up with things while limiting our own positive contributions, complaining, or demonstrating ‘exit’ behaviors such as substance abuse, over- or under-working, or leaving the room when someone begins to address the conflict situation.
Fight or flight behaviors are reinforced in our brain’s neural circuitry by repetitive triggers of both real and perceived threats to our survival. The trick to circumventing this circuitry is to interrupt it with a space, a pause, or an unexpected question. Taking a few minutes to let the parts of the brain talk to each other transforms our reactivity to responsiveness. Doing so invites curiosity and safety which opens a dialogue for understanding and developing solutions.
Doing this repeatedly in the face of conflict creates new patterns in the brain, which may help open us to respect differences, gain empathy and prime ourselves for connection and a flow of positive energy.
These processes underscore my definition of conflict: Friction between two or more sources that creates opportunity for growth, transformation and a positive flow of information and energy.
How do we get that information? It is a story that begins with “I” and ends with “we.”
When we begin addressing a concern with “I am feeling…” or “I notice that I am reacting about…” we present our own vulnerability. It makes possible a connection to the person with whom we are experiencing conflict. It opens the door to genuine dialogue from each person’s point of view and invites creative solutions.
Other ways to manage and resolve conflict include:
- Build a culture of relationship, safety, honesty, and respect
- Become aware of your own reactivity through inner sensing and reflection
- Ask: What happened? How were you affected? How can we repair the harm?
- Stay mindful of your values
- Address conflict in a timely fashion
- Open dialogue with your own feelings
- Maintain respectful tone, presence, and posture
- Stay issue-focused, avoiding sarcasm, criticism, or attacks
- Mirror what you hear to ensure understanding
- Set clear expectations and consequences
- Encourage resolution between the persons directly affected.