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Caring for
Others;
Valuing
Individuals
Daily –
19 + 17 Ways to Care for Yourself and Others – Thoughts from Clarity Mediations©
As a special part of this world, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers for safe health, calm, patience and intentional self-care. I realize that so many of you are facing stresses and struggles around this time of both physical distancing and close-quarters living, on top of worry about the virus and finances. Please let me offer some ideas (in addition to washing your hands and soothing them with hand-cream) to consider as we all navigate this time of uncertainty.
Resist internalizing any perceived pressure to “do” more than you wish/can (including many of the following ideas). There is a sense of helplessness that many are experiencing. Taking good care of yourself and those nearby as we follow the CDC and WHO guidelines is doing something good, highly needed and valuable. Rest in that. It is enough. If able/desire, other things to consider: COVID-19+ Ways to Care for Yourself and Others – Thoughts from Clarity Mediations©:
Accept that you are having the some of the same fears as the people you are near, whether they are your family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors or others for whom you care. Name your fears to help tame them.
Acknowledge your fears and know that alongside fear is anxiety. Know that what helps counter anxiety is action. The actions and attitudes you take may include:
Keeping a schedule to your day. Routine is grounding. Allow some spontaneity on “days off.”
If working from home (WFH) or still at your normal work venue, get up every half-hour or as often as possible to stretch, walk through your home or immediate workplace area as safe, take a drink of water (it is important to stay hydrated to minimize risk of other infections), and look outside: We are one part of a larger world to which we are all connected in love and suffering.
Allowing yourself to be outside as your tolerance for the weather permits. Breathe in the scents of the season.
Talking to friends/family by phone to connect; walk as you talk, and take a break from screen time.
Finding one thing (if you can find three – power to you!) to appreciate about your day. Share them with a friend, family member or a journal before going to sleep. If you have children at home, ask them to do the same and all share at the dinner table.
Seeking out humor. In the comics, on TV, in books, on social platforms. Share what made you laugh! It relieves stress and becomes positively contagious!
Learning something new. Check websites for classes in drawing and other art forms, language, history, composting and _____ (fill in your secret learning-yearning).
Eating a balanced diet and permitting some comfort food or special treats in moderation. Savor each bite and give thanks to the countless people who made that meal possible from seed to table.
Exercising with formal and informal home-equipment, including stairs, cans of soup (for weights), use of video classes or tutorials for yoga, tai-chi, core and strength-building, cardio-vascular health and more.
Checking in on (i.e. calling) your neighbors. Offer to include their needs in your next grocery run or grocery home-delivery order.
Singing in the shower or to your partner or to your children, – or to your neighbors if you’ve been inspired by those in Italy on their balconies. Rejoice in whatever deserves to be celebrated.
Caring for your indoor and outdoor plants. Center yourself in nature and reciprocity with the earth.
Writing down your dreams and how you felt in them as soon as you awaken to deepen self-awareness.
Cleaning and/or organizing. There is a cathartic effect and it gets you out of “head space”.
Making at least one meal “special” each week. Whether by trying a new recipe, lighting candles, using heirloom dishes, putting on soft country music or opera (or___), dressing up, eating while video-connected to a distant friend or relative as they too dine, picnicking on the floor… Let your imagination soar… And if you have children at home, let them take turns “creating” the theme for your special meals. Find and affirm the good in their suggestions.
Centering yourself with calming breaths, making sure you exhale to a longer count than you inhale. For example: Breath in to a slow count of 3; breathe out to a slow count of 5.
Taking an extra moment to listen to someone who is lonely and affirm what they are feeling.
Asking others what one thing they are grateful for today. This helps people to get out of a negativity cycle, to look for the good in their day, their surroundings, and in their lives. Gratefulness yields “great full-ness” to our days!
Uttering a caught-in-the-throat or lodged down-deep apology – sincerely. This can greatly release negative energy, transforming it to creative energy which can be used for things you enjoy!
Reading a new or old favorite book. Read out loud to someone else. Use different voices.
Letting some things go… Now is a good time to separate what is necessary from that which is not. That goes for what transpires in relationships, too. Remember, nearly everyone has heightened anxiety right now. How it manifests takes different forms for different people. Stay mindful of how yours does and be accountable for when it does. Align your priorities with your core values.
If someone else’s behavior threatens your well-being, call 911 or 211, or Lifeline at 585-275-5151.
Extending a warm and kind word to soothe another person’s fears.
Respecting others’ fears as their lived experience. Honor them with your attention and compassion.
Smiling! A smile is a non-physical touch that says, “I see you.” “We are interconnected.”
Learning or reviewing and renewing mindfulness practices. Choose a new one to practice. Deepen those which are familiar. Meditate, breathe, pray.
Staying current with emerging science-based information about the pandemic, safety and current events while limiting your exposure to the news media.
Remembering what got you through other hard times. Thinking about how you might bring those skills to this day will increase your own sense of calm and personal agency.
Be curious about how people around you – young and old – handled other tough times they went through. This helps them connect to their inner resources and may help you to glean new ways to increase strength and resilience.
Sharing what you can give, be it resources of time, skills, money, advocacy, or other physical items or personal care and attention to people and organizations that are working to heal other lives.
Appreciating how your body serves you right now, noticing your own abilities, and how well your heart, mind organs, veins and arteries are working together in harmony.
Listen to your body and heart. They have wisdom – take heed. Have self-compassion. Be kind and compassionate to others, too. It elevates our own sense of well-being.
Know it’s OK to feel many seemingly contradictory emotions, alongside grief. Allow it to be OK for others, too, trusting that they are doing their best to cope with fears of death, loneliness, anger, sadness, disappointment and worry. Seek help if any one of your emotions feels too out of balance.
With deep care and wishes for peace within and around you,
Gail
Contemplations on Color and Clarity
by Gail Ferraioli
I remember as a child thinking about how each person sees colors uniquely. The experience of color is part of our genetic, historical, and emotional make-up and reflects our focus in any given moment. This understanding was heightened a few years ago when I began experimenting with pastels in an art class. Suddenly, every landscape I walked though or rode by took on new dimensions of shade and light, background and foreground, texture and outline, deepening my experience of color as infinitely multi-facetted – which made real for me even the possibility of “hearing” colors.
When I consulted years ago with Kerry Stich, a friend who is a color analyst, I learned to experience the many dimensions of color as she kindly listened to how I responded to the ones that call to me, even as she encouraged me to open to other of my own inner array of colors.
In my private practice, Clarity Mediations, I guide the healing of relationships of couples, of families, and of the conflicts within individuals. Through many modalities in which I was trained, including mindfulness, meditation, therapy, mediation, non-violent communication, restorative justice and peace circles, I support each person to hear the “still small voice within”, to see their true colors, to accept their own lightness and darkness, and to understand that how they see may be very different from how others see – and see them or issues between them. In the safe space of my office, people discover the inner landscapes of their partners and accept the uniqueness of their colors – the expressions of their personal palette, that are also influenced by the unique interplay of their genetics, history, emotions, health and attention.
When people sincerely endeavor to resolve the conflicts in their own soul, they are able to transform their relationships with their partners, their families, non-related significant individuals in their life, their faith and other communities, and even their relationship with the world.
I am privileged to work with so many people who are willing to explore the depths of their being and the space between them and others. Their transformational acceptance and embrace of the spectrum of colors within, between and around them becomes a powerful force for good, for grace and for gratitude.
I am grateful to Kerry for sharing her talents in a way that highlighted my personal color preferences and opened my acceptance of colors that reflects other aspects of my personality – letting me “own” them too, with the kind of compassion that I help others direct toward themselves.
My practice is one of healing and deepening of people’s awareness, of their growth and journey of acceptance of self and others through life and love – which together encompass all colors – distinct and blended – all variances of light and shadows. It is a process that is intrapersonal, transpersonal, transformative and transcendent. By guiding people with compassion to listen, reflect and suspend judgment of themselves and others, they learn to see a clear way to live with deeper inner peace, and connection to others and the world. These are among the ways that I bring “Clarity” to that intricate and colorful journey.
Handling Anger with Honor
Remember that anger is a survival reaction. Think “fight” – one of the responses (fight, flight, freeze, submit) of the amygdala within our sympathetic nervous system.
The triggering of this emotion releases stress hormones, such as cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline, some of which goes to our limbs, preparing us to strike. While our blood pressure rises and heart rate increases, our thoughts are also primed for fear, aggression and possessiveness. Remember that when these processes are stimulated by situations that do not pose life and death consequences, they are a manifestation of the brain being hijacked by the amygdala.
How to Protect Yourself – and Others – from this Hijack?
Build your self-awareness!
Your body:
Befriend your body and listen to it as attentively as you would to a dear friend.
Sense your tensions. Scan for physical tension and emotional tightness. Breathe into them self-compassionately. A deep inbreath through the nostrils, a longer outbreath through the mouth. Repeat, relax, and repeat. Notice the pause between the inbreath and outbreath.
Your emotions and thoughts:
Tune in to your emotions and thoughts. Thoughts are often tied to body states and the brain’s desire to make sense of how the body is feeling. What internalized messages are provoked by different body states? How do these thoughts in turn affect your emotions? See if you can draw a line from these to how you respond to conflict.
Reintegration during anger:
Walk, or walk away if necessary, meditate, use visualization of pleasant experiences, journal, pray, exercise – whatever helps you to return to a more restful and in-control state of being. This is the start of mindful calming. The journey continues with heightened awareness.
Get behind and underneath.
Behind: What preceded this feeling? Is it historical? What memories or trauma might be influencing your reaction? Beneath: What is under the anger? Hurt? Fear? A violation of a core value, such as fairness? This is what needs to be communicated using “I-Statements” in the spirit of Non-Violent Communciation, talking about how you feel, and then inviting others to share their feelings, perspectives)
Beware the many voices in your head and let the adult within rule with grace.
We often unconsciously bring many internalized voices to our interactions. Among them are in the hurt child (the victim), the fun child (light, care-free), the critical parent (demanding), the nurturing parent (loving) and the adult – the state that ideally keeps these other ego states in balance. When dysregulated, the hurt child feels as though they are not understood; the fun child can take too many risks or become irresponsible; the critical parent can emit toxicity; and the nurturing parent can become either depleted by giving too much (“pathological altruism”) or enabling of others’ poor or dangerous behaviors. Letting our adult state rule and regulate our other inner ego states helps us to keep from triggering these other states and related emotions in others. It allows us to respond rather than react; to hear another person rather than read into them our assumptions and stories about them; to be our authentic selves and invite through our calmer presence, the authenticity of others.
Check blame.
Are you turning anger inward? Beware of depression or the worsening of physical well-being. Are you misplacing anger outwardly? It is easier to blame than to be accountable. Yet blaming most often drives away the people you love, care about, or with whom you need to get along. Check if blame is related to a need for power or control.
Stay accepting and accountable
People (and situations) might not be as you wish them to be. However, accepting them as they are and where they are, is a step toward reducing your own suffering and opening the door to healing. Being accountable for your own part in the way things are is another step toward reconciling your relationship with others and with situations.
Keep perspective of the nature of relationships and impact of actions.
We are interconnected. Yet while we may influence others through our actions, our actions do not cause others to act in particular ways. Nor do theirs cause ours! Each of us acts because of our internal make-up, history, habits and levels of awareness. Our actions do determine to a great extent how we are perceived by others. They cannot see our intentions. It is therefore valuable to stay mindful of how our behaviors (actions) land on others. We are each responsible for our own behaviors and actions – regardless of the reasons behind them. Even actions based on “good” intentions may cause harm.
Become Spock: Check catastrophizing.
Is the world going to end? Is that “logical”? Realistic? What is the worst that could happen? What flexibility might you tap into to deal with that? What internalized messages might need to be re-written? Let the rational, executive functions of your pre-frontal cortex begin to override the amygdala.
Remember that anger begets anger.
Counter this reactivity by returning to a calm state through the breath, self-compassion, and honestly communicating what you are feeling, what needs are not being filled at the moment and what you desire.
Invoke curiosity about the other person.
You have given yourself the opportunity to learn more by getting behind and underneath your anger. What about the others? Ask (using respectful language and tone) what is happening for them. Take time to listen and to respond. Rarely, in our personal relationships, does another person wake up with the intent to hurt us. Curiosity prevents accusation and demonstrates interest and concern over blame.
Remember that we inhabit different bodies, think different thoughts, experience the world differently, and perceive life and situations individually. Our feelings and assumptions are bound to be different!
Listen, reflect, validate, empathize, check in and appreciate.
Listen to the other person for content and feelings – suspending your own opinions and thoughts of what you want to say; Reflect (“What I hear you saying is…”); Validate (“It makes sense to me that..”, “Given how important ___ is to you, I get how….”) – remembering that validating does not mean agreeing – it connotes understanding; Empathize (“I image what you are feeling is _____ (use single feeling words such as hurt, disappointed, angry, invisible); Check in (“Did I catch that? Are there other feelings?”, “It sounds as though you are (feeling) because…”); Appreciate (“Thank you for helping me have a better picture of where you are coming from…”)
Test your hypothesis.
Thoughtfully ask questions about your assumptions, imaginings, and perceptions.
Follow the NO SCABS Rule: no sarcasm, criticism, attacking blaming or shaming. Notice how the latter may be either conveyed by inattentive (unconscious) posture, words, and tone or avoided by conscious posture, words and tone. Staying aware of your presentation (body size, posture, words, tone and volume of voice, eye contact) keeps you attuned to your possible influence on another person.
Extend compassion to the person toward whom you feel anger.
Go to the balcony and see the situation from their perspective. What is happening now for them? What has happened recently or in the past that might be influencing their behavior? What might these feel like to them? What are among the possibilities you have not considered? Allow for spaciousness of heart and mind so that others’ experiences may rest within you in a safer place.
Connect with humor.
Can you imagine this situation as an animated story? Or picture parts of it in a funny verbal or pictorial image? How might you look or sound in this exchange? See No SCABS Rule.
Monitor motivation.
How much do you want to change? How tied are you to your misery? Has it become a part of your identity? What other emotions might you experience if your brain was not knotted in anger? What might be reason to change? What would that look like?
Appreciate duality and its opposite.
Feeling critical and pessimistic? Resentful? Seeing the bad? Focus on the flipsides: praise and optimism; forgiveness; the good. (Ron Potter-Efron, Sept/Oct 2012; Psychotherapy Networker Magazine) See these flipsides as part of the wholeness of life – the one-ness that overrides the parts and is yet comprised of parts.
Handle rather than fix.
While our culture focuses on solutions, we might be able only to change our attitude. Believing that we can “fix” a situation that triggers us, may be less effective than changing our expectation, our attitude, and our approach to that situation. Examine what is actually “de-sourcing” you and turn your focus onto that.
Rest in space and time.
Re-engage the parasympathetic nervous system. Let yourself have time away, retreat to a place away, if feasible. Even if it is on a mediation cushion in the other room, taking time for yourself and pausing – in a different environment – can usher in another perspective, renew a sense of your higher self and allow you time to consider how to approach the dilemma from which anger has erupted. As you do, your body can rest and digest in a space of greater ease and peace.
Invoke empathy at times of anger.
Anger impedes empathy. Anger repels and empathy connects. Take in your suffering and that of the other person. Imagine being in their shoes. Walk softly in your own. Practice the Metta (lovingkindness) prayer.
Honor transitions/Respect time.
When you wish to address the person and the issue between you, be aware of the impact of the time you choose. Is she tired from work? Is he hungry? Are they preparing for an important meeting that is in an hour? Ask, “Is now a good time?” Be prepared to commit to another (specific) time if “now” is not good. Accept that your readiness level to address the issue may be vastly different from the other person’s readiness level. Remain flexible and accepting without resentful resignation. Engage self-compassion for your disappointment if you are not able to address the situation as quickly as you wish.
Let go of ego and welcome humility.
Ego asserts your “rightness”, supports your demands and expectations. Humility invites openness to others and from others. Understanding comes from letting go of one’s own intransigence and sense of superiority, and from openness to what one does not yet know.
Ask yourself if it is more important to be right or to understand.
Emotions influence more than facts. Feeling is the power behind the ability of a person’s story to move us and opens the path to living more peaceably with conflict. Remember that love is simultaneously humble, powerful and kind.
Imagine the possible.
Reframe your insistence that something is impossible. An act or event may not happen, but it is always possible for you to change how you perceive it and respond to it. This is both part of the cause and effect of the plasticity of the brain. We can develop new neurocircuitry. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” (1949, Donald Hebb)
Allow the possibility of forgiveness.
Without pressuring yourself to forgive the other person, consider what you might feel if you did forgive and released the anger you are experiencing. For what could you use that energy instead? Imagine what the situation would feel like in reverse. What would you gain from being forgiven? From being the one who forgives? Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you forget. It releases you from extra suffering. It takes two for reconciliation and only one to forgive.
Practice non-attachment and acceptance.
When we detach from our opinions and beliefs (how things “should” be) we open to the point of view of another person and to recognizing how things are. Accept the differences. When we let go of our “shoulds”, it becomes easier to hear another person, as we become less tied to defending our position. It takes two distinct people to have a healthy relationship.
Deepen self-compassion.
Acknowledge your pain and distress, your anger, hurt, disappointment, and sorrow and soften them with the embrace of self-compassion. This practice will help you deepen empathy and compassion toward others, too.
Stay mindful that all things change.
“This too shall pass”, and the emotions experienced shall also change.
Celebrate that you are a person who feels, who is alive and can experience the fullness of life! This is freedom!
Revised 10/2019
It came to my attention today (from the teachings of Swami Satchidananda*) that the difference between Illness and Wellness is “I” (illness) and “We” (wellness). This reminded me of the value for two people in relationship of being fully aware of (your)self as a distinct being so that you can bring that consciousness and freshness to your “mutuality.” …To being in service of each other’s growth without relinquishing your personal responsibility for your own growth and happiness. Two people, side-by-side, not enmeshed, but supportive and encouraging of each other’s uniqueness.
Remember that each of you is a separate being with your own history, pain, hurts, wounds, joys, sorrows, fears, desires, and hopes. When we judge or seek to control the other, we deny them their reality – their experience of life – and deny ourselves the gifts of their truth. When we take back our projections and give up the presumption that our partner is an extension of us, we can learn to love the whole being in front of us. What gets in the way?
Pause. It helps to look under and sense each feeling. Is there rage? Under that you might find and feel fear. Under that you might find and feel grief – and possibly a measure of self-compassion. Under grief you will find and sense caring. With caring, you can act with heart. Acting while letting go of expectation. Acting with unconditional love.
What would that look like? Letting go of expectation (e.g., “I did this – you should do that”). Accepting the other with their wholeness and brokenness – their “strengths and weaknesses”. Yielding to what is. Looking for the Divine sparks in your partner and in life. Paying attention to the positive. Trusting. Taking a leap of faith that it is OK to be vulnerable and believing that your partner will catch you. If you do not feel received (and no, neither of you is a football), try catching yourself “expecting”. Relinquish your grasp. That puts the ball in your court (mixed metaphors happen) and you can regain your center.
Who will you be if you are not grasping to the role of Victim? Martyr? Perpetrator? Might that energy of holding on to those suffering stories be released toward creativity? Toward connection? Toward aliveness? Toward love?
Is there one thing – more than any other – which you know you could do that would help your partner to feel loved? Can you give it unconditionally as a sign of your commitment, as a sign of hope, as a sign of willingness to connect, as a sign of your capacity to listen, as a sign of your courage to be vulnerable, as a sign of generosity of heart?
If you hold hope, feel it inside of you. That matters. As does desire. When you feel sorrow, or powerless in the face of difficulty, it shows you care. It is difficult to live with uncertainty – whether about your relationship or the state of the world. Living with uncertainty is a quest of mindful living. We can only know and experience fully what we have in the present moment.
Bring your higher awareness to yourself, to possibilities for peace, for connection, for joy, for love, and to your innate capacity to be loving and to your worthiness of being loved.
*https://swamisatchidananda.org/revolution-healthcare/
Gail Ferraioli, Clarity Mediations 11-17-2018
Conscious Couples Connect! Check Here for Weekly Tips
- Hug each other! Hugging, cuddling and other tender displays of affection help couples feel more emotionally connected to each other. Add a loving hug to each day to brighten it!
- Create space in your day to ask each other, “What touched you today”? Doing so will give you a chance to connect positively and see how your partner experiences his or her world.
- Gift your partner with an appreciation every day. Remember how good it feels to be appreciated? Hearing that we are valued helps us to feel safe, confident, and more connected to our partners. Be the one to let your partner hear how much you appreciate something about him or her – such as her sense of humor, or something thoughtful that he did for you that day.
- Let emotional wounds heal! Care for your partner by avoiding Sarcasm, Criticism, Attacking, Blaming or Shaming, letting SCABS heal and allowing your relationship to grow healthier.
- Make and take time together! When you make time to be together you open up opportunity to be attuned to one another. When you dedicate that time to fun, you lighten life, laugh, play, and feel closer to one another. In the process you release the neurochemicals responsible for feeling good, increasing positive energy for yourself and for your relationship.
- Remember that our mutuality comes out of autonomy. Two people in a marriage or couple relationship are different beings – who have chosen to be together. Respect your individual differences so that your autonomy can lead to mutuality and true partnership.
- Look at each other! Maintaining eye contact deepens connection! Discover the depths of the adage, “The eyes are the windows to the soul.”
- When needing to have difficult conversations, mirror each other to assure that you understand what you each are saying and give each other the chance to clarify. Use your partner’s words as closely as possible. As you pause to listen, take in your partner’s perspective, then reflect back what they said and ask, “Did I get that?” Show interest and curiosity by asking “Is there more”?
- Plan date nights. Having and investing in fun builds equity in your relationship to help tide over the harder times. The equity of levity strengthens the container of your couplehood.
- Appreciate your assets. In the portfolios of our lives, gratitude is an asset that appreciates. Gratitude does not come from a place of criticism or judgment of either ourselves or others. It stems from compassion. It generates a sense of goodwill toward another being. Take an inventory of your assets – the strengths you manifest as a couple; the things you like; your special interests, abilities, and experiences; and the people who uplift, encourage, and inspire you.
- Look for the bright spots in your relationship. The things we focus on are the things we strengthen. It is said that our brains are like Velcro for the bad and like Teflon for the good. When we intentionally and repeatedly focus on the good, we reinforce the positive neural pathways in our brain and reverse the damage from brains being “locked” into negativity!
- View conflict as another chance to get closer. Conflict is friction between two or more forces that create opportunities for growth and transformation through the positive flow of information and energy. Your mirroring dialogues allow for the honest flow of information and positive energy to happen, and for growth to occur – all the while providing a safe structure to resolve or manage conflict!
- Get physical! Physical intimacy is often the quickest route to reconnect and sustain closeness.
- Have compassion for yourself when old wounds are triggered. Have compassion for your partner when he or she is triggered, remembering that it is the most vulnerable parts of ourselves that are susceptible to strong reactions. Ask, “What is the story I am telling myself?” “What is this reminding me of from my past?” “What assumptions am I making about the story my partner is telling him/herself?” Reflecting on your reactions can give you insight to respond to triggers more clearly, compassionately, and honestly.
- Breathe in possibilities! Muhammad Ali said, “Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small [people] who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it.” Let yourself imagine how you want to be in your relationship and let your creativity and commitment combine to bring that vision to reality.
- Use “I Statements” when upset about something. For example, “I am worried when you are late coming home and would be grateful if you would call me to let me know you are running late”; or “I feel invisible when you watch TV and would like to make space in our day for face-to-face conversation with no electronic distractions.”
- Remember that the traits you dislike in your spouse are often the ones you dislike in yourself and may even deny are within you. No one is perfect but we can strive to be both self-accepting and accepting of each other even while committing to improving our way of being in relationship.
- Show your partner that he/she is valued, valuable, competent, lovable and loved. Demonstrate this through words of affirmation, notes, appreciations, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, spending quality time together. Discover what Gary Chapman refers to as your partner’s “love language” and learn to speak it!
- Imagine what it is like living with you! What do you do that drives your partner nuts? Think of something you can do each day to soften the triggers for your partner – for the sake of your relationship. Follow through and bask in the good feeling of effecting change in yourself, even if it takes a while to register with your partner.
- Be a “safe place” for your partner to turn. Listen with the respect that shows your partner that he/she is important to you – that he/she and his/her opinions matter to you.
- Be patient with your own fallbacks or mistakes and with your partner’s too. This shows both understanding and compassion.
- Ask for what you need. This may feel risky -after all, your request may be met with resistance. It takes courage to tell your partner that you need something and, it is a way to be be honest. An honest and direct realtionship has a greater chance of being a happy one and a sustained one.
- When you and your partner disagree, assess if the issue is important enough to argue about. If it warrants confronting, begin with why it is important to you and say, “I am having a hard time with____ and am feeling (feeling word) and want to talk about it. Is now a good time?” Stay respectful in tone and body language.
- Consider your partner’s needs as important as your own.
- Marriage is an intimate relationship between two people who often know each other very well. Be conscious of whether your words and actions show love or will wound your partner. Choose love.
- When it is difficult to choose love, see what is under your own frustration. The conflict is “growth trying to happen” according to Imago Relationship Theory. This indicates a need for one person to stretch and grow to meet their partner’s needs. When we stretch in this way, we help our partner to heal and ourselves to grow as well.
- Be kind. Share that value with each other and with the larger community. If you are lucky enough to have love, sharing it through kindness to others will strengthen your connection to each other and the world.
- Express gratitude for each other every day. It helps you to focus on the positive and reduce negativity, and increases the sense of closeness while strengthening your relationship.
- Love is kind. Kindness helps couples to connect, to feel valued and valuable to one’s partner. Are you extending the kindness to your partner that you do to your (other) friends or even to strangers? Extend an extra kindness to your partner each day. Consciously stay aware that your partner desires to feel valued and precious as much as you do.
- Love is forgiving. We are human and we all make mistakes. We don’t want to be judged or defined by our fallibility and neither do our partners! Be forgiving. Your forgiveness does not mean that you condone or forget an action. It means that you let go of your anger, hurt and resentment; that you let go of it taking over your relationship and your potential for happiness. Think of what you can let go of and what kindness you can put in its place.
- What you do for your self care and health nourishes your relationship. Do something kind for yourself to help bring positive energy into the space connecting you and your partner.
- Speak kindly about your partner to others. In his/her presence, it will show that your partner matters. When he/she is not there as you speak about your partner, you build a favorable regard for your partner and reinforce positive neurocircuitry in your brain associated with him or her.
- Acknowledge together how hard it is to work through challenges as you work to strengthen your relationship. Give yourselves – and each other – credit for all the effort you are putting into building connection.
- Award yourselves for your commitment to staying strongly connected with a hearty “Kudos!”, by making love, going on a date or just having fun.
- Give a gift of thoughtfulness to your partner each day. It might take form as a surprise, a phone call to simply say, “I am thinking of you”, leaving a note or taking care of something that shows your partner you have considered his/her comfort, needs or cares. The extra “gift” is not expecting anything in return.
- Physically touch your partner. Physical touch and sexual intimacy are not the same thing, though the latter typically requires the former. Take your partner’s hand, rub his shoulders, stroke her hair, hug, sit close to ensure body contact. Touch arouses positive feelings of love, safety, and attachment from the release of oxytocin. It is an intimacy that is essential to feelings of connection.
- Kiss in a way that conveys desire and appreciation, rather than a perfunctory obligation! Allow yourself to move into a kiss and to fully enjoy it!
- Let your partner know what he/she did during the day that touched you. This will heighten your own skills of observation of the positive, and deepen your partner’s sense of being appreciated.
“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”
~ Martin Niemöller
The words of Niemoller are as relevant today as when they were written. So many of us who are Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and who come from many other faith traditions as well, can and do speak to one another in forums, over tea, in our houses of worship, and in our living rooms. I speak to all who read and listen now: We abhor the “anti” rhetoric that has risen to the headlines and fallen to abject lows. Who except the Native Americans in this country did not come from families that were refugees or immigrants seeking religious freedom, economic opportunity, socio-political or other personal freedom or new expression?
Let us be vocal in our support and embrace of those who seek unity while respecting differences. Let us reject language and hate-mongering that pricks at fears in order for some to gain supremacy over others in any sphere. In the name of our one God who is conceived of throughout the world in many iterations and by many names and felt solely as nature or spirit by some: let reason join heart, and courage join compassion for our brothers and sisters of all names, of all colors, of all religions, of no religions, of all genders, of all origins, of all expressions, for all of us frail and strong human beings. May we be elevated by the golden words in Matthew: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” Then may we arise to that moment of dawn spoken of in the Talmud when we may look into the eyes of another human being and see ourselves.
Learn or re-discover 12 ways for families to manage and resolve conflict and promote peace:
Build a circle of relationship permeated by safety, honesty, and respect for “otherness” and discuss values that are important to each of you.
Add check-in opportunities (at dinner-time or other time regularly set aside to connect together on a human level); maintain and express interest and curiosity in each other outside of responsibility-driven roles and related communication.
Become aware of your own reactivity – and remember that each person has their own perspective and their own reactivity.
Stay mindful of and true to your values.
Address conflict in a timely fashion: Make an appointment to have uninterrupted time to talk things through. When dialoguing, let each person speak without interruption.
Open dialogue with your own feelings and needs using “I-Statements”.
Maintain respectful presence, words, tone of voice and posture. Let your love show!
Stay issue-focused, avoiding sarcasm, criticism, attacking, blaming, or shaming.
Mirror what you hear to ensure clarity and understanding. Ask if there is more. Honor each other’s strengths and show compassion toward each other’s vulnerabilities.
Set clear expectations and clarify both the positive and negative consequences of how they are addressed.
Encourage resolution of conflict at the primary levels, between the family members directly affected.
Practice mindfulness, lovingkindness, generosity of heart, humility, forgiveness and equanimity.
Growing up in Connecticut, fall was my favorite season. The colors, the crunch of leaves underfoot, the drier air, and Macoun apples were among the enticements. Over time, and after living for 20 years in warm climates from the desert to the tropics, and then resuming residence in the East – this time in Rochester, spring emerged as my “favorite”.
Spring is emergent, life-affirming, a breath of fresh air, replete with fragrant beauty, softening the rigidity of body as it relaxes in warmer temperatures, melting the snow and ice which at times, though stunning in their stark, crystalline sparkles, hold both their own treachery and benefits. Spring lengthens the light of days, brightens the darkness of dread and renews growth and bursts of creative energy.
Autumn is yet beautiful and compelling– even with its bitter-sweetness, even as it forebodes of cold and early nightfall. The magnificence of colors shout, Glory! Behold! Change is imminent, constant, and can still take our breath away! The changes are sometimes gradual – a few leaves ripening to new splendor against a backdrop of green, an occasional falling leaf, a few degrees drop in temperature. In stages, we are treated to the facets of fall. Other times, an arctic wind blasts in or a rainstorm sheds the leaves of trees swiftly, bearing branches before they have had time to reach their peak or give of their fullness to their own capacity and our pleasure. We human beings are sometimes confronted with the suddenness of change, forced to adapt to circumstances before we, too, might be ready. Will our limbs crack with the first snow, wind, or ice? Or will they embrace our vulnerability?
In part, our response to the season is influenced by how we direct our attention. Are we able to appreciate the beauty and offerings of each time of year, despite the losses each one represents from the previous one? Can we hold in awareness the difficulties we have without letting them negate the blessings around us? Neuroscience and spiritual traditions have taught us well that we can increase our continual happiness and our ability to hold in equanimity the dark and light, the joyful and sorrowful, by training our minds to observe, let go, feel gratitude, and to recognize the inevitability of and opportunities inspired by change.
As we grow in acceptance of all things, we are better able to help others on their journey, as they walk through the seasons of their lives, whether there is a spring in their step or they are falling like the brittle leaves of autumn. A tree is still a tree, whether it is unfurling new leaves or letting them float to the ground until its limbs are fully exposed to the elements. Person to person, whatever our place on life’s path, it is an honor to share our human essence.
It is a privilege for me to work with people who entrust me to help them through the difficult seasons of their lives, to reach a place of hope, to have confidence that their sad, broken times will yield again to brighter days, softer hearts, wholeness, and peace.
Thanks to you who invite me to assist you; to you who support the health and welfare of others, and to you who make referrals to me for mediation or for my individual services to bring people to a place where healing may begin and change may be gently accepted.
Ways to minimize harm and maximize harmony apply to the workplace, schools, and in the community as they do with couples and families.
Some things that trigger negative reactions and conflict include strict adherence to roles and violations of them, taking things personally, assumptions, unspoken agendas, poor communication and feelings of shame, fear of righteousness. Why do we avoid facing conflict?
Often, our reactions reflect comfortable patterns stemming from those we learned from our families. Sometimes they reflect fears of taking responsibility, being hurt, wronged, or shamed. These reactions may lead to further reactivity that distances us from conflict before resolving or managing it.
In business, examples include firing staff before developing performance plans or providing monitoring, not making time for ‘difficult’ customers, putting up with things while limiting our own positive contributions, complaining, or demonstrating ‘exit’ behaviors such as substance abuse, over- or under-working, or leaving the room when someone begins to address the conflict situation.
Fight or flight behaviors are reinforced in our brain’s neural circuitry by repetitive triggers of both real and perceived threats to our survival. The trick to circumventing this circuitry is to interrupt it with a space, a pause, or an unexpected question. Taking a few minutes to let the parts of the brain talk to each other transforms our reactivity to responsiveness. Doing so invites curiosity and safety which opens a dialogue for understanding and developing solutions.
Doing this repeatedly in the face of conflict creates new patterns in the brain, which may help open us to respect differences, gain empathy and prime ourselves for connection and a flow of positive energy.
These processes underscore my definition of conflict: Friction between two or more sources that creates opportunity for growth, transformation and a positive flow of information and energy.
How do we get that information? It is a story that begins with “I” and ends with “we.”
When we begin addressing a concern with “I am feeling…” or “I notice that I am reacting about…” we present our own vulnerability. It makes possible a connection to the person with whom we are experiencing conflict. It opens the door to genuine dialogue from each person’s point of view and invites creative solutions.
Other ways to manage and resolve conflict include:
- Build a culture of relationship, safety, honesty, and respect
- Become aware of your own reactivity through inner sensing and reflection
- Ask: What happened? How were you affected? How can we repair the harm?
- Stay mindful of your values
- Address conflict in a timely fashion
- Open dialogue with your own feelings
- Maintain respectful tone, presence, and posture
- Stay issue-focused, avoiding sarcasm, criticism, or attacks
- Mirror what you hear to ensure understanding
- Set clear expectations and consequences
- Encourage resolution between the persons directly affected.