Handling Anger with Honor
Remember that anger is a survival reaction. Think “fight” – one of the responses (fight, flight, freeze, submit) of the amygdala within our sympathetic nervous system.
The triggering of this emotion releases stress hormones, such as cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline, some of which goes to our limbs, preparing us to strike. While our blood pressure rises and heart rate increases, our thoughts are also primed for fear, aggression and possessiveness. Remember that when these processes are stimulated by situations that do not pose life and death consequences, they are a manifestation of the brain being hijacked by the amygdala.
How to Protect Yourself – and Others – from this Hijack?
Build your self-awareness!
Your body:
Befriend your body and listen to it as attentively as you would to a dear friend.
Sense your tensions. Scan for physical tension and emotional tightness. Breathe into them self-compassionately. A deep inbreath through the nostrils, a longer outbreath through the mouth. Repeat, relax, and repeat. Notice the pause between the inbreath and outbreath.
Your emotions and thoughts:
Tune in to your emotions and thoughts. Thoughts are often tied to body states and the brain’s desire to make sense of how the body is feeling. What internalized messages are provoked by different body states? How do these thoughts in turn affect your emotions? See if you can draw a line from these to how you respond to conflict.
Reintegration during anger:
Walk, or walk away if necessary, meditate, use visualization of pleasant experiences, journal, pray, exercise – whatever helps you to return to a more restful and in-control state of being. This is the start of mindful calming. The journey continues with heightened awareness.
Get behind and underneath.
Behind: What preceded this feeling? Is it historical? What memories or trauma might be influencing your reaction? Beneath: What is under the anger? Hurt? Fear? A violation of a core value, such as fairness? This is what needs to be communicated using “I-Statements” in the spirit of Non-Violent Communciation, talking about how you feel, and then inviting others to share their feelings, perspectives)
Beware the many voices in your head and let the adult within rule with grace.
We often unconsciously bring many internalized voices to our interactions. Among them are in the hurt child (the victim), the fun child (light, care-free), the critical parent (demanding), the nurturing parent (loving) and the adult – the state that ideally keeps these other ego states in balance. When dysregulated, the hurt child feels as though they are not understood; the fun child can take too many risks or become irresponsible; the critical parent can emit toxicity; and the nurturing parent can become either depleted by giving too much (“pathological altruism”) or enabling of others’ poor or dangerous behaviors. Letting our adult state rule and regulate our other inner ego states helps us to keep from triggering these other states and related emotions in others. It allows us to respond rather than react; to hear another person rather than read into them our assumptions and stories about them; to be our authentic selves and invite through our calmer presence, the authenticity of others.
Check blame.
Are you turning anger inward? Beware of depression or the worsening of physical well-being. Are you misplacing anger outwardly? It is easier to blame than to be accountable. Yet blaming most often drives away the people you love, care about, or with whom you need to get along. Check if blame is related to a need for power or control.
Stay accepting and accountable
People (and situations) might not be as you wish them to be. However, accepting them as they are and where they are, is a step toward reducing your own suffering and opening the door to healing. Being accountable for your own part in the way things are is another step toward reconciling your relationship with others and with situations.
Keep perspective of the nature of relationships and impact of actions.
We are interconnected. Yet while we may influence others through our actions, our actions do not cause others to act in particular ways. Nor do theirs cause ours! Each of us acts because of our internal make-up, history, habits and levels of awareness. Our actions do determine to a great extent how we are perceived by others. They cannot see our intentions. It is therefore valuable to stay mindful of how our behaviors (actions) land on others. We are each responsible for our own behaviors and actions – regardless of the reasons behind them. Even actions based on “good” intentions may cause harm.
Become Spock: Check catastrophizing.
Is the world going to end? Is that “logical”? Realistic? What is the worst that could happen? What flexibility might you tap into to deal with that? What internalized messages might need to be re-written? Let the rational, executive functions of your pre-frontal cortex begin to override the amygdala.
Remember that anger begets anger.
Counter this reactivity by returning to a calm state through the breath, self-compassion, and honestly communicating what you are feeling, what needs are not being filled at the moment and what you desire.
Invoke curiosity about the other person.
You have given yourself the opportunity to learn more by getting behind and underneath your anger. What about the others? Ask (using respectful language and tone) what is happening for them. Take time to listen and to respond. Rarely, in our personal relationships, does another person wake up with the intent to hurt us. Curiosity prevents accusation and demonstrates interest and concern over blame.
Remember that we inhabit different bodies, think different thoughts, experience the world differently, and perceive life and situations individually. Our feelings and assumptions are bound to be different!
Listen, reflect, validate, empathize, check in and appreciate.
Listen to the other person for content and feelings – suspending your own opinions and thoughts of what you want to say; Reflect (“What I hear you saying is…”); Validate (“It makes sense to me that..”, “Given how important ___ is to you, I get how….”) – remembering that validating does not mean agreeing – it connotes understanding; Empathize (“I image what you are feeling is _____ (use single feeling words such as hurt, disappointed, angry, invisible); Check in (“Did I catch that? Are there other feelings?”, “It sounds as though you are (feeling) because…”); Appreciate (“Thank you for helping me have a better picture of where you are coming from…”)
Test your hypothesis.
Thoughtfully ask questions about your assumptions, imaginings, and perceptions.
Follow the NO SCABS Rule: no sarcasm, criticism, attacking blaming or shaming. Notice how the latter may be either conveyed by inattentive (unconscious) posture, words, and tone or avoided by conscious posture, words and tone. Staying aware of your presentation (body size, posture, words, tone and volume of voice, eye contact) keeps you attuned to your possible influence on another person.
Extend compassion to the person toward whom you feel anger.
Go to the balcony and see the situation from their perspective. What is happening now for them? What has happened recently or in the past that might be influencing their behavior? What might these feel like to them? What are among the possibilities you have not considered? Allow for spaciousness of heart and mind so that others’ experiences may rest within you in a safer place.
Connect with humor.
Can you imagine this situation as an animated story? Or picture parts of it in a funny verbal or pictorial image? How might you look or sound in this exchange? See No SCABS Rule.
Monitor motivation.
How much do you want to change? How tied are you to your misery? Has it become a part of your identity? What other emotions might you experience if your brain was not knotted in anger? What might be reason to change? What would that look like?
Appreciate duality and its opposite.
Feeling critical and pessimistic? Resentful? Seeing the bad? Focus on the flipsides: praise and optimism; forgiveness; the good. (Ron Potter-Efron, Sept/Oct 2012; Psychotherapy Networker Magazine) See these flipsides as part of the wholeness of life – the one-ness that overrides the parts and is yet comprised of parts.
Handle rather than fix.
While our culture focuses on solutions, we might be able only to change our attitude. Believing that we can “fix” a situation that triggers us, may be less effective than changing our expectation, our attitude, and our approach to that situation. Examine what is actually “de-sourcing” you and turn your focus onto that.
Rest in space and time.
Re-engage the parasympathetic nervous system. Let yourself have time away, retreat to a place away, if feasible. Even if it is on a mediation cushion in the other room, taking time for yourself and pausing – in a different environment – can usher in another perspective, renew a sense of your higher self and allow you time to consider how to approach the dilemma from which anger has erupted. As you do, your body can rest and digest in a space of greater ease and peace.
Invoke empathy at times of anger.
Anger impedes empathy. Anger repels and empathy connects. Take in your suffering and that of the other person. Imagine being in their shoes. Walk softly in your own. Practice the Metta (lovingkindness) prayer.
Honor transitions/Respect time.
When you wish to address the person and the issue between you, be aware of the impact of the time you choose. Is she tired from work? Is he hungry? Are they preparing for an important meeting that is in an hour? Ask, “Is now a good time?” Be prepared to commit to another (specific) time if “now” is not good. Accept that your readiness level to address the issue may be vastly different from the other person’s readiness level. Remain flexible and accepting without resentful resignation. Engage self-compassion for your disappointment if you are not able to address the situation as quickly as you wish.
Let go of ego and welcome humility.
Ego asserts your “rightness”, supports your demands and expectations. Humility invites openness to others and from others. Understanding comes from letting go of one’s own intransigence and sense of superiority, and from openness to what one does not yet know.
Ask yourself if it is more important to be right or to understand.
Emotions influence more than facts. Feeling is the power behind the ability of a person’s story to move us and opens the path to living more peaceably with conflict. Remember that love is simultaneously humble, powerful and kind.
Imagine the possible.
Reframe your insistence that something is impossible. An act or event may not happen, but it is always possible for you to change how you perceive it and respond to it. This is both part of the cause and effect of the plasticity of the brain. We can develop new neurocircuitry. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” (1949, Donald Hebb)
Allow the possibility of forgiveness.
Without pressuring yourself to forgive the other person, consider what you might feel if you did forgive and released the anger you are experiencing. For what could you use that energy instead? Imagine what the situation would feel like in reverse. What would you gain from being forgiven? From being the one who forgives? Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you forget. It releases you from extra suffering. It takes two for reconciliation and only one to forgive.
Practice non-attachment and acceptance.
When we detach from our opinions and beliefs (how things “should” be) we open to the point of view of another person and to recognizing how things are. Accept the differences. When we let go of our “shoulds”, it becomes easier to hear another person, as we become less tied to defending our position. It takes two distinct people to have a healthy relationship.
Deepen self-compassion.
Acknowledge your pain and distress, your anger, hurt, disappointment, and sorrow and soften them with the embrace of self-compassion. This practice will help you deepen empathy and compassion toward others, too.
Stay mindful that all things change.
“This too shall pass”, and the emotions experienced shall also change.
Celebrate that you are a person who feels, who is alive and can experience the fullness of life! This is freedom!
Revised 10/2019